Second Time Today

I was doing really well this morning while at work, but as the night has gone on, I've felt like I could really use some extra support. I have my SO, but he doesn't seem to be as affected by our infertility, so I don't talk to him about it as often as it's on my mind (all the time!). He tells me there is nothing more we can do and that we are doing all the right things, which is true, but I wish he would feel as emotional as I do about it sometimes. I feel so alone because it's almost as if he doesn't care if we have children. He says he does, and that he'll be devastated if we can't ever have children of our own, but it's like time is not an issue, whether it is next month or ten years from now. I know he does care because on occasion he has gotten very emotional about it, but generally speaking it feels as though the weight of it all is on my shoulders. All the treatments I go to alone, all the medications I have to take, the needles I've had stuck into my body, once in a while I just need to vent and I hope all of you can relate. And with all the internet has done for us, I feel as though there still isn't enough out there for the infertiles. I find myself at the same pages over and over again when I really want to find new poems, new inspiration, new blogs that don't consist of women who are now pregnant. Because though I realize compared to some, our journey thus far of only fifteen months seems like nothing, it is longer than almost 90 percent of women TTC. And the medications don't help. Clomid has made me an emotional wreck, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm upset. I feel as though I have no control anymore, and maybe that is why I've been handed the cards I have. Maybe I am going through this because I need to learn how to relinquish control. Who knows...

I hate complaining, I really am thankful for so many things in my life, but this baby trail is throwing my life to the wind. I have learned to not plan anything, because I have no clue what next month will bring. Whether more infertility treatments, or the longed for baby I cannot wait to meet, it means that nothing can be planned for. If I plan around not having children, I am giving up hope, and if I plan my life around a baby, I could just end up let down. Apply for a new job? No, because I will HOPEFULLY be taking maternity leave, and I can't do that right away at a new job. But how long will I keep saying this? At what point do I give in and leave the job I can't stand?

The joys we all face. But I can't keep getting sucked in to this hole, so for tonight I am done writing. Baby dust to all of you! Let's hope this is our month!

Remember:

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...it is about learning to dance in the rain."