BFP!!!!!

OH MY GOD, after 15 months and 16 cycles of ttc, I got a bfp today! I haven't even told dh yet as he is not home, but want him to be the first to know! I am so excited, and will continue to blog here through at least the first trimester. As I saw a thousand times, we all get our BFP's eventually. Called doctor to confirm pregnancy, hopefully soon! And since I was taking Clomid, I'm a little worried about multiples, but I just have to wait that one out! So much baby dust to the rest of you!!!

Almost Over

Today is almost over, and I don't know if I am looking forward to tomorrow. I used one of my left over opk's and it had no second line AT ALL. That has never happened before, but I am looking at it as a bad sign, even though I am only 12 DPO. I have been having some cramps today in the last few hours and am praying that it is not the beginning of af :( but I'll find out soon enough I guess. I hate how this has taken over my life and my relationship. It's like I have failed as a woman.

A Few More Days

Yup, I walked out of work crying today, one of the many joys of infertility. How many times can you tell your coworkers you are just having a rough day? Thank goodness it was short lived and the rest of the day went smoothly for the most part. I thought about testing, but I am trying to wait until at least Tuesday to do so. My boobs hurt so bad, but I've had some cramping today and I'm afraid its going to be AF soon... Praying I'm wrong! Hubby has all but given up on this it seems, he has not had SA done because we are pretty sure the problem lies with me with the endo and poor ovulations, but a part of me still wonders if it could be him. He's been to the doc, just not gotten the sample to the lab yet. I don't want to push him because he seems to be pretty worried about what they might find, but even if it is bad, I think I would rather just know. I mean at least then I could stop all these hormones and we could move forward with a better plan. But I do think it is me, or maybe both of us I guess? In which case it would be worth nagging him about. I just don't know... Let's see how this month ends. Fingers crossed!!

Hope

I have hoped and I have prayed today, that this is the month. Granted it's happened or not already, but I will hold on to this hope until I'm proven right or wrong. My bb's are bigger and getting sore, and still creamy cm, but the biggest thing I've noticed is how tired I have been, just yesterday and today as well as some cramping three days ago. And my skin is breaking out like crazy! I'm going to wait a few more days to test, but really don't want to wait. I'll keep this posted.... Baby dust!

Its Been a Few Days

I know I've been bad about getting on here the last couple days, things have been hectic. I have one more week in the 2ww and am starting to find symptoms as we all do every month. Acne, creamy cm, bigger bbs, and the list goes on... But with the clomid actually making me ovulate this month, I am hopeful that this could be the month. More than the usual hope though, because I know at least this time it was POSSIBLE. So time will tell. I'm going to try very hard to not test early, as that always ends with a huge let down. Let the wait continue

Rough night

I wasn't going to write, but at this point I don't think I'd sleep if I didn't get some of this out. I was doing okay all day, not great, and felt sick because of all the hormones, which is really nothing new. But it's the little things, the babies on tv, the christenings, baby showers, and friends children to take care of that bring back every ounce of pain that comes with IF. Right now we are just waiting and wishing and praying that this month was a success. And honestly I feel so good, or did until today. I have resisted buying anything baby despite the overwhelming urges. As all of us do, I'll buy baby things here and there, just hoping that we'll soon need them. But I am afraid if I do, we'll be unsuccessful again. Crazy, but I'm afraid of anything that could screw this up.

This is something I don't see much of, but I have to assume the rest of you do the same, we all do right? Some women have whole nursery's made up, but I couldn't. It would be too hard to look at all the time. I keep all baby things tucked away in places where I only see them when I want to, it's almost like a comfort. Just hoping and praying we'll need them soon....

So Many Babies

I'm feeling really optimistic this month, like maybe it really could be our month. I know I ovulated, and that is good enough news after the last two years of my ovulations being poor or non existent, but obviously the ultimate goal is to get pregnant. Ovulating is still a success though. Today I feel like there are so many babies out and about, the weather is finally nice so most of them are probably just out for walks, but my jealousy is out full blown. I think of how I should have my baby here by now, and my three year old, but instead am left with empty arms. It is life though, and we all move forward. "Can you get me some warm water to warm the baby's formula?"- of course, with a smile. As a person who generally does not get jealous, it amazes me the jealousy that comes out at people I do not even know, who have the exact life I want. There is one other woman I know who is going through the same thing, but we do not talk about it, our relationship isn't at a place where I think it is appropriate as we know each other very superficially. However, I want so bad to reach out to her. She is going through secondary infertility, but really it is the same fight. IF tears us all down to the same place.

So for today, we just pray for tomorrow, after all, it will always come.

Miscarriage Memories

This is a poem that has gotten me by on my worst of days remembering the babies I never met, but would have given anything for from the moment I knew they were there. I hope it helps those of you also struggling with infertility following miscarriage. Baby dust to all of you <3

What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing Here If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates waiting for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start ~Author Unknown

Back at Square One

So I thought my positive opk last week meant I ovulated, but I guess not. I had lots of EWCM two days ago, so I tested again and got a very very dark positive, and the 2ww begins again. Not that I'm complaining, as I'm hoping this may be the month of a good strong ovulation. It came with tremendous amounts of pain in the middle of the night (the night after I tested +++) that felt like the menstrual cramps I get from endo. I have done some research and don't know if it was caused by the release of multiple follicles or a ruptured cyst as the doctor is having me use OPK's and not doing any ultrasound monitoring at this time.

The other day I broke down in tears at work, typical with these hormones it seems to be, but I just want that to be over. Only two coworkers know about our infertility struggle, but neither are very understanding as one has chosen not to have children, and the other has one but was an unplanned pregnancy. Neither have been through it to understand how painful it can be. But it means a lot just to have them listen and try to understand. I don't tell many people because of just that, they treat you very sensitively and act almost as if you are broken sometimes. And though there are days it feels like it, I can get by much easier at work by simply not talking about it. Be nice, and I will cry. If they would just take a hard line and not care, I could get through without getting upset. It seems to be the same everywhere, doctors, friends, work.

And a quote for the day,

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult–once we truly understand and accept it–then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” –M. Scott Peck

Poem

I'm not much in the mood for writing today, it is a dark dreary rainy day and I am feeling very down. I want to be happy, but am just not there. But I wanted to share this poem I've stumbled across on many different sites. It may not be mother's day, but I find it fitting for any day.

Infertility Poem for Mothers Day

I am afraid
To plant this seed.

The sun is warm,
The earth is rich and ready,
But the days go by,
And still no planting.
Why?

The springtime of my life
Is passing, too.
And ten years' planting
In a willing soil
Have borne no living fruit.
So many times I've waited,
Hoped,
Believed,
That God and nature
Would perform
A miracle
Incredible but common.

Nothing grew.
And often times I feel
The mystery of life and growth
Is known to all but me,
Or that reality
Is not as it appears to be.

I have a choice:
To put aside this seed,
Leaving the planting
To the proven growers,
Pretending not to care
For gardening,
And knowing
If I do not try

Or plant,
And risk again
The well known pain
Of watching
For the first brave green
And seeing only
Barren ground.

He also spoke
About a seed,
The mustard's tiny grain,
Almost too small to see,
But, oh - the possibilities!
Those who doubt,
Who fear,
Are not inclined to cultivate it.
But it was to them He spoke.

And God remembered Sarah...
Rachel...
Hannah...
Elizabeth...

The seed is in my hand,
The trowel in the other;
I am going to the garden
And the Gardener,
Once more.

Author of this infertility poem
Margaret Munk

A New Day

Today I feel as though I'm in a cloud. Honestly, I have hardly had a thought of infertility today. That is close to a first, I don't have many days like that. None in recent memory, and I hope that means the pain is dwindling, even if it is just until af comes later this month. Then it will start all over again. Or maybe it is just knowing I'm in the 2ww and there is nothing more I could possibly do but wait and see, so that is just what I will do. A friend hit her 30 week mark today, which hits home, because she got pregnant the month before they had even planned to start trying. Is it really so easy for some people? Which of course I know is true, my first baby was beyond unplanned when I was in high school, miscarried at three months. But it's just so hard to believe that it could be so easy to successfully get pregnant, and make it to thirty weeks. I would give almost anything to be in her shoes some days. But then I remember that this is our path to parenthood, and for one reason or another, there IS a reason for it being so difficult. And because of it, I will love my children even more. I have found this poem on many sites and wanted to share.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Second Time Today

I was doing really well this morning while at work, but as the night has gone on, I've felt like I could really use some extra support. I have my SO, but he doesn't seem to be as affected by our infertility, so I don't talk to him about it as often as it's on my mind (all the time!). He tells me there is nothing more we can do and that we are doing all the right things, which is true, but I wish he would feel as emotional as I do about it sometimes. I feel so alone because it's almost as if he doesn't care if we have children. He says he does, and that he'll be devastated if we can't ever have children of our own, but it's like time is not an issue, whether it is next month or ten years from now. I know he does care because on occasion he has gotten very emotional about it, but generally speaking it feels as though the weight of it all is on my shoulders. All the treatments I go to alone, all the medications I have to take, the needles I've had stuck into my body, once in a while I just need to vent and I hope all of you can relate. And with all the internet has done for us, I feel as though there still isn't enough out there for the infertiles. I find myself at the same pages over and over again when I really want to find new poems, new inspiration, new blogs that don't consist of women who are now pregnant. Because though I realize compared to some, our journey thus far of only fifteen months seems like nothing, it is longer than almost 90 percent of women TTC. And the medications don't help. Clomid has made me an emotional wreck, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm upset. I feel as though I have no control anymore, and maybe that is why I've been handed the cards I have. Maybe I am going through this because I need to learn how to relinquish control. Who knows...

I hate complaining, I really am thankful for so many things in my life, but this baby trail is throwing my life to the wind. I have learned to not plan anything, because I have no clue what next month will bring. Whether more infertility treatments, or the longed for baby I cannot wait to meet, it means that nothing can be planned for. If I plan around not having children, I am giving up hope, and if I plan my life around a baby, I could just end up let down. Apply for a new job? No, because I will HOPEFULLY be taking maternity leave, and I can't do that right away at a new job. But how long will I keep saying this? At what point do I give in and leave the job I can't stand?

The joys we all face. But I can't keep getting sucked in to this hole, so for tonight I am done writing. Baby dust to all of you! Let's hope this is our month!

Remember:

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...it is about learning to dance in the rain."

Another Good Day

I am feeling wonderful today, I don't know if it's from finally getting my feelings about my infertility struggle down in words, or that I'm in the middle of my cycle and full of hope, but I'm enjoying it. The weather is finally nice after a long cold winter, and a snowy day yesterday. The sun is out and it's almost fifty. I am just on lunch at work, but looking forward to the rest of the day. Lots of babies around, but trying not to let it get me down, I can only hope to one day be as blessed as each of their parents. Sorry for the short blog today, but I have to get back to work.